it hasn’t really occurred to me what all this is until a few months ago. the crying. the sleepless nights. the control slipping out of my hands. my schedule is routine but not quite. i am still myself but not quite. it’s twisting me 360 degrees but i’m still facing the same direction, i guess?
she wails and i go running. i sing to soothe, i dance to calm, i read to teach, i live to give life. oh baby. oh love of my life. what am i ever going to do with you? what have you done to me? where will we be years from now? where would i have been had you not come? questions. endless queries. i gain answers only to find myself asking even more.
i love you baby girl. unconditionally.
not bad for a first pumping session. every drop counts ;) will try my other pump next tind :D #sace #sacesmilk #breastfeeding #breastmilk #manualbreastpump #mommylife #baby #babyfood (Taken with Instagram)
me a few weeks ago (top) and me now. not much difference? :D or subtly changing? #baby #sace (Taken with Instagram)
i’m 3 weeks young! i stressed daddy out with my nappy change at 3 in the morning, then i got mommy to change me again at 4. tough work being a baby! ;) #baby #mommylife #daddyduties (Taken with Instagram)
Maybe I made a mistake along the way. I am not regretting my swollen belly, but somehow, I do not like the circumstances I’m in. He kept on telling me that we should wait until he finishes his boards, then we can be together. Now, accidentally, he slipped. He said that his uncles want him to study abroad after he’s licensed. two years of no going home. two years without him. two years of without me. two years of his daughter’s life he will miss. that’s not fair. just not fair. Don’t I have a say on this matter? Doesn’t he want to fight for our family? After all, we are a family too. And what use would all his studying if his own little girl doesn’t recognize him? What use would his being a father if he will only get to see her grow through on-line conversations? And what would I be without him? During the day, when work occupies me, I would indulge in daily conversation but occasionally mention my frustrations—give hints about my disappointments—but I’d stay down, keep quiet, have the nosy backstabbers off my yard. But during the night, loneliness would be my companion. The other side of the bed would always be empty save for the little girl who would crawl to sleep with me because she is scared of thunder or of the monsters her creative imagination would conjure.
I know I should cross the bridge when I get there. Why become sad when there is no decision made yet? The thought that him being away is among the choices bothers me. I try to forget it..tuck it behind my daily pregnancy worries..but it surfaces, gnaws me little by little. And silently, I cry, rub my belly and tell my baby that it’s gonna be alright, although, I know deep down inside that I should be telling myself the same thing.